I start school in one week.
Scott has another appointment with his surgeon, who wants to do a neck dissection in two weeks. Best case scenario: this surgery gets whatever is left. Worst case scenario: they do a surgical stroke, and he loses the complete right half of his brain… which means losing everything that half does, such as moving everything on the left side of his body.
Scott’s salary continuance at eighty percent ends July 22. After that, who knows… but he won’t be recovered from his surgery by then. And he may need another after it. So… I’ll probably have to drop my school hours down to at least half time, and start working full time. We can’t afford to live otherwise.
My friends and family are falling apart piece by piece… everyone has their own maxed out stressometer, and I feel completely incapable of helping anyone. It really pisses me off. I feel like I have let so many in my life down, because I am so wrapped up in Scotts health. Maybe my lesson to learn in this is to quit making it about me… I don’t need to be the savior. Then again… maybe there is no plan, no lesson.
I have so much to do, that when the day starts, I am all but immobilized by the sheer weight of the list of tasks to accomplish for the day. And I find that behavior pathetic, but seem to be incapable of changing it.
Which is bullshit, because only I am responsible, not only for my actions, but also for my reactions.
Going to start tunneling through the mountain.
4 users commented in " Stressometer "
Follow-up comment rss or Leave a TrackbackSometimes I think that if not for challenges, we would be bored. Usually I think that after I manage to overcome one but sympothize with you fully as I know exactly what it feels like to look at that mountain and the little hammer and chissel we have to cut that tunnel.
The thing is, the secret to life is, you do a little day by day and then when you get done the accomplishment feels soooo damned good. Overcome, overcome, overcome…..
I wish you all the energy in the world and a mighty hammer
“John Henry
When John Henry was a little baby,
sitting on his daddy’s knee,
he picked up a hammer,
and a little piece of steel, and said,
“Hammer’s gonna be the death of me.”
The foreman said to John Henry,
“I’m gonna bring that steam drill round.
I’m gonna bring that steam drill out on the job,
and I’m gonna drive that steel on down.”
John Henry said to the foreman,
“A man ain’t nothing but a man,
but before I let that steam drill beat me down,
I will die with this hammer in my hand.”
John Henry said to his shaker,
“Shaker, why don’t you sing?
I’m throwing twelve pounds
from my hips on down;
can’t you hear the cold steel sing?”
The foreman said to John Henry,
“I think I hear this tunnel caving in!”
John Henry said, “Foreman, my, my!
That ain’t nothing
but my hammer sucking wind.”
John Henry drove down in the mountain,
his hammer was striking fire,
but he worked so hard that he broke his heart,
then he laid down his hammer
and he died.
They carried him back to the big white house.
They laid him down in the sand.
Now every time that locomotive roars by
it screams, “Yonder lies a steel driving man.”
Now the man who invented the steam drill,
he thought he was mighty fine,
but the steam drill only drove twenty-six feet,
John Henry he drove twenty-nine.
Every Monday morning on that mountain top,
you can hear the bluebirds sing,
you can hear John Henry laugh
from a mile away, and
you can hear his hammer ring.”
–as copied from http://dandutton.com/DanDuttonsBallad/johnhenry.html
You, me and John Henry, Aj. On we go.
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