Ya know… I just feel out and out pissy lately.

First… I have teenagers. This should not have to be elaborated on, if you have ever had teenagers. They are evil. One is nineteen, the other seventeen. I’ve been called in the middle of the night to mediate arguments, drive to emergency rooms and forestall the police more times in the last two months than a person should ever have to. Ever. EVER. Teenagers suck.

Second… boyfriends of teenagers suck. I’ve been to court, the ER, attorneys and played chauffer in the middle of the night for them too. Why? Because either their parents are smart enough to not do it, or bad enough they wouldn’t consider it. Teenagers boyfriends suck.

Third… spanish. Oh my freaking green goddess, my head cannot handle an accelerated five week course in spanish. Too damned much, but I’m working on it. Como? Soy de loco.

Fourth… Pagan nation. What was once my sanctuary, my place of calm in the midst of all of this fucking crap, has become a cesspool of infighting, namecalling, and one-up-man-ship. I am so sick of it. If I hear the name FROST one more time, I’m going to scream. If I get accused of shit one more time because people keep generalizing, I’m going to scream. It is UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE how many people I have totally lost respect for in the midst of this crap. I don’t give a rats fucking ass which side of the fence people stand on, but I’m sick and motherfucking goddamned tired of people looking down their noses at others because of different opinions or ways of handling situations. There are like… only a couple/few people in this whole ugly stupid goddamned affair that have not been assholes, and I’m sick of it. I can’t ignore it, because I feel like then.. as a mod… shame on me. I should know whats going on with the site. So then I ask myself… should I be a mod? I think… yes… I think I have something to offer people here, as well as something to learn. Then I read the posts cause someone just posted a new reply, and I get pissed all over again. Bottom line is… its no longer about healing, or about expunging pedophiles from our community, or different folks stroking differently. Now its about snapping back at each other defensively, cut eaching other down, proving who’s smarter, and lashing out at everyone. What a welcome mat to display for new people.

Fifth… in the midst of this is the still daily battle with Scott’s cancer. He is scheduled for surgery Thursday. We have fear, but we also have hope. This should tell us, once and for all, the extent the cancer spread, and if we got it all.

I’m just pissed. Every avenue I’ve ever used to find any kind of personal solace outside of communication and ritual with deity is just being crappy. I just want to destroy something. Pacifist, my ass… contrary to popular opinion, I am an incredibly violent individual. The thing is, I just think that violence and aggressive behavior is for first-years and children… crones should have outgrown such things.

Yes… thats what I think. That violence and aggressive behavior is something to be outgrown… a childish thing to be put away with the teething ring. Yes yes yes, blah blah blah… I know all the arguments in defense of being a “warrior” yadda yadda yadda. There is a time to defend and to protect. And there is a difference between defending and protecting… and attacking.

Bah. Harmph. I’m still pissy. Blogging didn’t cure it. Motherfucker.