Why is there such a difference between the legal definition and the social definition of marriage?
Why is divorce so difficult but marriage can be created at the snap of a finger?
Why can’t people just say, “I want this person to be my partner, and have the legal rights and responsibilities of being my partner,” instead of having to fill out massive amounts of paperwork and pay astronomical lawyer fees?
Gah.
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Follow-up comment rss or Leave a TrackbackThey used to be able to. Until about 15 years ago, at least in the state of Ohio, they had commonlaw marriage. Basically if you lived together for 5 years or more, or you got a piece of mail addressed to you with the other person’s last name you were legally married no paperwork involved. Most states got rid of commonlaw a while back but some still recognize it, you might want to check into it.
I have wondered much the same……
I think it should be a bit harder to get married. To make the couple understand this is not just a spur of the moment thing to do because you feel love now. It takes real commitment from both parties. What happens if there is a bump in the road and both partners cannnot agree on that thing? Or they fall out of love?
Also divorces are not that had to get if you have the money and both parties work together on it instead of fighting over who is going to get the straw hat. (If you know what I mean)
Lisa – I woke up to find I replied to your post. Asked Aimee who said woops. I really have to get the sign out feature to sign people out of the blogs as well. I really wanted to add something. So here I am. The word marriage in a mariner sense means to join two ropes without a knot. If you marry two pieces of rope, you unbraid the ends of two pieces and then intertwine them in the same way any piece of rope is made from many strands. So after marriage, the two pieces are rope really are one as the marriage is not recognizable as any different than any other section of rope. So beautiful. So simple. So strong. But so blended into the rest that it unrecognized as existing separate from the whole. All done without a license or other certification. Divorcing those two pieces of rope (ripping them apart) just as difficult as ripping apart a single piece of rope. No state, no government and no minister can provide a real marriage. It takes individuals to create such a union.
I am not sure if you are involved in a wedding, a divorce, or just a random thought. But either way, I have to share that while I am in my second legal marriage, I am in my first real marriage. You are 100% dead on right accurate, becoming legally wed is easy. Becoming divorced is often long, drawn out, expensive and in my case involves the Department of Homeland Security (long story). So why share? Because it is all worth it for the right person.
When my first wife dumped me, I didn’t bother with a divorce. I just did not care. Years went by before she decided to file the papers. Her lawyer did things like demand my mother’s will and ask for half my inheritance on my mother’s death. Even the judge said she hadn’t seen tactics like that outside of the divorce of the very rich and thought it was a measure just to cause grief. She locked my business account in such a way that I had to take a loan to pay the bills for the store by writing a check. Instead, I had to keep all cash income in the safe and then use it to purchase money orders to pay the expenses of running a business. Then they demanded I was hiding money because I had stopped nightly deposits. It was a living hell. I forget what my lawyer cost, but he profited from the divorce more than either of us and in retrospect that is exactly what my former wife had wanted. You see, I divorced a frigging lawyer. Basically, any time we went to court it cost me a fortune. Her, not so much. So the longer it was drawn out, the more I paid even though the outcome would be the same.
From lack of blood flow to my gums (got the same problem with my feet) I have a problem that an oral surgeon has to tend to. I had an appointment for the end of the month. Last night, I must have rolled over in such a way that the strap from my CPAP (a breathing machine) pressed on the part of my jaw that is infected. In the middle of the night, I woke up in such horrific pain that I was vomiting. I took my two Vicodin, my migrade medicine, and Ibuprofen (anti swelling). Half an hour later, the pain was still severe. So I took another Vicodin (not remembering if I had taken 1 or 2 earlier). Still the pain remained but I became stoned as well. What the hell does this have to do with marriage?
Last night I was so stoned on the pain reliever that I was in tears, not from the pain but from this horrible feeling that I was completely alone. Any time I drifted off to quasi sleep, I thought I was at one of my Renaissance Faire Buildings alone and dying. I told Aimee about the dream / hallucinations and she asked me why I didn’t wake her up. I explained that I was waking up, falling asleep, waking up and I didn’t want to keep her up. She explained that she would have sat up with me just so that I wouldn’t feel alone.
Due to the swelling and infection and the complications it presents to the underline problem of horrible high blood sugar, they are now performing the surgery tomorrow. I will be completely under and be in recovery for hours as the anesthesia wears off. They won’t let Aimee see me until I wake up, but when I do she will be there.
The man Aimee married was paid hundreds of dollars an hour to speak at universities. He had 6 books in print, two more on the way, and turned down book deals because he had too much on his plate. He would go for days without sleep to finish projects. I am not that man anymore in more ways than I care to share, but I am still her husband.
A real marriage is worth it!
I apologize for rambling, but it sounds like maybe you are in love with someone and are in the process of addressing a former marriage so you can again be wed. I couldn’t think of any other way to tell you to go for it even if the last marriage doesn’t seem like it was worth it because if this one is the person for you, it really is all worth it.
Aimee (as AJ)~
Yes, by commonlaw standards set back in the day, Scott and I would be married (except for that pesky lil problem I have of still being married to my exhusband). I thought once upon a time also there was like a commonlaw divorce where if you were separated for like ten years, then the marriage was terminated. I could sure use that!
Rhiannon~
Yeah, money is the key in a divorce. My ex and I don’t even have shared assets, but its complicated because we were married in Michigan, I live in Ohio, and he lives in Florida. We are both amenable, but it involves travel, and an attorney to sort out the various state divorce laws. Not that I think people should be able to marry and divorce on whim… there should be a fair and equitable way to solve the dissolution of a marriage. However, its soooo overcomplicated that it nauseates me.
AJ~
I also see the simple beauty in the mariner version of what constitutes marriage. Here is my situation in a “readers digest” short kind of way.
In the late nineties, I was living with a fella who proposed marriage. I said yes because he did it Christmas morning with my mom and kids watching… talk about awkward! Unfortunately, in a very short space of time, his son from a previous marriage said he wanted to live with us, and we felt that his best chance of that happening is if his father and I were actually married. I know, I know, worst reasons to say yes and to actually do it.
We did get custody, but as was expected… the marriage fell apart before we even celebrated our third anniversary. I left… lived in an apartment at my best friends house for a year, where I met Scott. I moved down here to Ohio, I’ve been with Scott ever since… some seven or eight years now, I guess.
Problem is, I never divorced Chuck… the first year I was too broke, and then it became a multi state jurisdiction… and… well.. here we are, almost a decade after separation, and still not divorced.
Scott and I know that we’re together until one of us dies. There was no fanfare with that realization… no proposals, no hallmark moment, just a slow dawning that I wasn’t leaving when he was so sick.. or he wasn’t leaving when my seventeen year old put us through drugged-soaked, violent hell for two years.
However, if he dies or becomes incapacitated, legally things get very complicated, especially with his daughter… hence the “need” for the legal certificate. There is not a complete consensus between his family and us regarding things like his daughters guardianship should such a thing happen… and his attorney pretty much flat out told him the most effective way to ensure that his wishes are carried out if something happens is for us to get married.
So… really, that is the readers digest version… not even the long one, as there are other complications also (such as the recent death of Scotts daughter Katies biological mother).
Yes, being committed to Scott for life is worth it… I agree. It’s still a pain in the ass
(sorry for the long reply)
“Why is there such a difference between the legal definition and the social definition of marriage?”
Depends on the culture. To me, yes.
“Why is divorce so difficult but marriage can be created at the snap of a finger?”
To try to discourage divorce.
“Why can’t people just say, “I want this person to be my partner, and have the legal rights and responsibilities of being my partner,” instead of having to fill out massive amounts of paperwork and pay astronomical lawyer fees?”
Because the federal government and the states want thier money.
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